Refine Me

I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain

You're my God and my Father
I've accepted your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?

Lord, come with your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me

My heart can't see
When I only look at me
My soul can't hear
When I only think of my own fears

They are gone in a moment
You're forever the same
Why did I look away from You
How can I speak Your name?

Lord, come with Your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You

It's all I can do
To give my heart and soul to You
And pray, and pray, oh I will pray

Lord, come with Your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Come rescue this child
For I long to be reconciled to You

Refine me, refine me
Refine me, refine me

A Very Long day

Steve is now settled in for a week of pulmonary rehab. He seems ok, maybe a little nervous. Just walking to and from the car felt like a million mile trek to him. My day started at 6 am and it's now past midnight. I feel like I have been beaten and bruised. I really want our life back where strangers are not allowed to intrude and treat us like we are 5 year olds. I'm tired of people telling us what to do like we have no brains in our heads. I'm verging on becoming very impolite if it continues.

I've cried a lot today.

I'm really truly sorry for being such a complainer. I try to be happy, I try to remember God is in all the details. There are good days. But then there are just rotten days like today.

Maybe tomorrow will look brighter.

I think we all need a little smile! {Go ahead and laugh. You know you want to!}

Saw this posted somewhere else today and could not resist sharing. Enjoy! {I really think Chris needs to add this to the worship list}

Really Scared

I'm feeling the walls closing in around me. My usual response to this is to hide, I'm trying not to do that but I am.

Steve is still in ICU. The main issue right now is pain. He is still struggling respiratory wise but he's as stable as he's probably going to get, at least for now. Apparently he is having complications from the biopsy and now has pleurisy. They are starting him on morphine today. Once he's stable enough they are sending him to inpatient rehab. They can help him with his lung issues and pain management so he can come home.

This is a whole new game for us. He is going to have to go on disability, for how long I have no idea. We are depleted. Steve has struggled these last eight months to work and keep our heads above water but now we're sinking. I was trying so hard to be positive and make it work for so long but right now I'm staring at a 48 hour PG&E notice and the same with the water bill. Steve's dad helped with the house payment this month but I don't know what we'll do next month. The church has been wonderful with food, that has been such a blessing. I'm not even opening the medical bills right now.

I don't know how much more I can do. I know I have to but I'm just really scared. I guess I need to sit down and figure this out.

Normal.

I ran into some old friends Sunday, in Wal-Mart of all places. Hadn't seen them in years, probably won't for several more. We exchanged pleasantries and made small talk. They asked how Steve was and I said he's doing great. Yes I lied. Just for once in eight months I wanted to feel normal, even if it was only for 5 seconds.

After a very long and confusing and frustrating and worrisome day yesterday Steve is back in ICU. He's stable now and resting. I'll post more details later. Maybe.

The Valley of Baca

Not much change today. Steve just has no energy or strength whatsoever. I know this would be expected of someone so seriously ill but it's very hard not to worry. We decided we're calling UCSF on the morning to see how quickly they can get him in. I know we are now with a good doctor here but he still did say he has no answers. We took off his fentanyl patch and he's not taking any pain meds, his choice. He thinks the narcotics are what's wiping him out. We'll see.

So speaking of hearing God. Something interesting has been happening these past couple of weeks. I've read Psalm 84 before but I never really paid attention to the particular reference to the Valley of Baca and never heard any teaching on it. I just assumed it was a place on the map. Last night at my churches 20th anniversary party that was the one passage my pastor read. Again "The Valley of Baca" stood out to me. God was trying to tell me something. I meant to look it up last night but was so tired I just collapsed in bed. Well this morning I got in the car and turned on the radio and the first song playing was "Better is One Day". That song is written using the 84th psalm. OK GOD...I hear you!! {I don't think I have ever heard that song played on the radio}

I haven't had a lot of time to study but what I've found so far is giving me comfort. I'll come back and post after I learn a little more about it.

Please pray for my friend Beth. Her mom is having more surgery today and she is very worried. Thank you!

Not a good day today

Steve's struggling. He's regretting checking out last night. Please pray for him. And me. I don't know if I can handle another ER trip right now.