How Ironic

I tried to start this blog months ago and I could not think of a title so I chose Life. I have no idea why. My intentions at the time was to just have a happy little blog talking about my family and pets and just....Life. And here I am now fighting for one.

I'm not a person of "big" words and I don't really usually have hugely important things to say but I need to do this right now so I can process what is happening. My husband is seriously ill. If I believe what I read on the net...well I'm not going to put those words here and give them any power. I have seen miracles in my life, lots of them. I don't know why I'm struggling now to believe that I will see another. Right now I'm just sad. God is here with me, I know that. He has shown himself in so many little details over the past few days and then I forget when I see something else that frightens me. I need to remember them so I can hold on to them. So I'm going to keep record of it all here. It may not look all pretty and neatly packaged but that's ok, neither is Life.

Since Thursday:

* Drove up to the hospital dreading the parking situation at this particular hospital and was upset that I needed to get in there quickly. When I drove up a car was pulling out...in the very first parking spot by the entrance.

*Even though I got security called on me for my little tantrum in the waiting room {they told me to have a seat and they would let me know when he could have visitors, I don't think so!} I got in there pretty quickly which I'm told is not done.

*After all the ER trips Steve said to me THIS time was the best he was ever cared for. The nurse and staff were very open and honest and cooperative with us. He's right, that was unusual.

*Our friend Willie was able to use his pass and get in to see us. That was a comfort.

*My friends Paul and Edith came. Paul said it was unusual for him to be home that day. Having their presence, even if it was just in the waiting room was comforting.

*THIS hospital has Pepsi. {hey...gotta remember even the small details!}

*When they were transporting Steve to his room the transporters showed me where the back elevator is. I can get in without having to buzz the intercom and ask permission to actually see my own husband. Shhh.

* I had a very important question for the specialist that I really needed to know. I had been told he had fibrosis on his lungs. This is very bad. He told me he did not see any. I'm choosing to believe that it WAS there and God healed him of that. I'm going to admit I'm struggling with this one.

*Yesterday was Steve's birthday. Laryssa really wanted to see her daddy but I was worried she might be frightened to see how very ill he is this time. The nurse said they would let her visit him, which is a big deal in the intensive care environment. One of her best friends, Anne was praying and those prayers were answered. We spent 3 hours and had a wonderful visit. Steve was not even on oxygen the whole time and none of the alarms went off. She gave her daddy lots of hugs.

*Shortly after we left Steve crashed a little bit and they had to work hard to help him breathe better. He was trying to be brave for his daughter and paid a little for it. As a result he missed dinner and was very hungry. It was past visiting hours so I did not think I could bring him anything. Some dear friends took me out to dinner on the other side of town and as we were leaving I ran into the nurse manager from his floor! I asked her about bringing him food and she told me exactly what to do and say to get into his room!

*The hospital called someone in from home, on their day off to put in the much needed PICC line so now he can get his medicines like he should and will be so much more comfortable and not get stuck all the time.

*That I have so many friends who love us. It has been overwhelming to see all the friends we have supporting us.

I'm waiting on the big miracle. I'm waiting for them to tell me he is going to live. I'm trying to have faith. I'm ok with what God is going to do. I may be happy or I may be sad but this will not change the love I have for Him.

Prayer needs:

1. Tomorrow they are going to do a lung biopsy. Steve is afraid and I worry about the pain, he is already in so much and the pain meds are not covering it all. I worry about the anesthesia in his poor condition.

2. That I am able to accept the help that is being offered. This is a big deal for me and I'm struggling.

3. That everything falls into place so my kids get to where they need to be so I don't have to worry.

4. Steve's pain and breathing.

That's all for now, have to get things done here. I will try and update often. It helps to do this because sometimes it's hard to explain things over and over and over.